Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working