Finally! 😈
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
#Caturday
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’