Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Don’t talk down to me
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man