Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
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me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Not helping
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it