Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away