Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
sleeping beauty
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.