DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
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I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities