You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, Iâm so excited, Iâve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: itâs like sheâs watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I didnât believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today đđđ
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors donât actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says âokay Iâmma direct youâ and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, âThatâs great, bud, youâre directing so good!â
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: surâ
Me: âpre born
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.