Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Breaking news:
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed