“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Who.
Did.
This?
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”