Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Thoughts
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.