Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
You Might Also Like
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
What flavor cupcake are these
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda