I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.