Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
You Might Also Like
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Perfect
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.