ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
These dogs look like they have good credit.