[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I don鈥檛 care if it鈥檚 red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you鈥檝e got 99 of anything, I鈥檓 scheduling an intervention
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I鈥檓 sorry he鈥檚 just not that into you
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don鈥檛 believe that lie about myself
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
馃槒馃槒馃槒
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don鈥檛 even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn鈥檛 real?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]