When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
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The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.