Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I want to meet the individual who made this
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Festive toon…
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.