Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
what does he know…
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead