Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”