To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?