From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me irl
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??