Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
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Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT