How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
How actors in movies eat their food
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
This was my dad’s browser history.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”