[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.