I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
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If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Y’all ready for this