*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!