Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.