My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
HOW DARE YOU