I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.