And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not