We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.