dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I thought this was funny lol
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.