Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.