Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
You Might Also Like
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Weighing up my bread heating options
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.