what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Meat Cute
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option