Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Sooo many times…..
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team