Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
This is a sub tweet
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?