When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”