My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.