[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
This hospital has everything
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”