Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall