[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids