Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.