exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water