My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Every time my phone rings