“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
You Might Also Like
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
japanese corn
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes