“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
You Might Also Like
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Not messing around
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same