Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.