Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Important
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.